A Doll on Birth and Death

 

I am a doll, I know this. I have an Owner, and I am his. Doll has an Owner. Owner made the doll, and doll is happy. Owner kisses the doll, and doll is happy. Owner hits the doll, and this is also a kiss, and doll is happy. I know this too, I was once not a doll. I had a name like Owner and Owner’s friends. I do not remember these things, but Owner says they are true, so I know these are true.

I remember some things. I remember being small and there being someone big and there being pain somewhere that now only ever feels good. I remember remembering these things and I remember they hurt. But know they do not. Pain was not good. I know this. When I am hit, or opened by Owner, there is no pain, only love.

I am a doll, and I shall give you a kiss..

A kiss is love.

I am a doll, I cannot love. I am my Owner’s doll, and this is not love. Love ends. This will not end. It cannot end.

If a kiss is love, If I give you a kiss, is this my Owner’s love I give? My Owner has much love. He has love for his dolls and love for his partner and love for his family and love for people he has never met.

One day Owner told me that there had been an Earthquake, and so many people had lost their life. Doll understands life. She wants life to be forever. Doll is not sad, because master is sad.

Doll is wrapped in Owners jacket and taken out. Owners jacket smells of Him, and of Oil and smoke, and of his partner’s perfume. She is not my Owner, but I am to treat her the same. This I know, but do not understand. It makes Owner happy, so I am happy too.

I know where the car is going. I have been here before. I was new then. I had fewer marks of love. I am with Owner so I am happy, but I do not know why we are here. This is not where the earthquake was. Owner said it was a very far way away.

We stand inside the door. And Owner unwraps me. Not just his coat, but all clothes. He hands me a glass box. It has a lock in the middle of one side, and a hinge on the other. On the top is a slot. Master has many toys, but I have not seen this one before. I hold it to my mouth, by breasts, my crotch.. I measure it for size. I try to determine it’s use. I do not know what it is.

Owner laughs and kisses my forehead. Little sparks like roses make my heart grow. I like this.

Owner looks at me and his eyes are sad. I know this look and the roses die. He leans in and whispers in my ear.

I am in the car. I feel rough material wrapped over my skin. I feel loose and stiff at the same time. I cannot see properly and I smell of salt and flour.. I know what has happened, but I do not remember this. I think this makes me happy but Owner does not look happy. The box is on my lap. It is full of paper money and it feels heavy. Paper is not heavy, so there must be many paper monies in the box.

When we are home. Owner takes the box and puts it to one side. He hangs his coat up and takes off our shoes. This is strange as I do these things every day, but he tells me not to move. He takes me upstairs and unwraps me again standing in the bathroom. He stands me on one of the towels, my legs apart, and begins running the bath. I stand as I am told. I am a doll and I do what I am told. I know this. I feel something wet fall from me.. like a liquid snake from inside me to the floor. It is heavy but moves slowly. I do not look down.

There is a mirror in the bathroom, but it is behind me. If it were in front of me, I could see what has happened, but I have been made to stand this way. Owner has left the room and is counting. I heard a key in a lock, and I hear the sound of paper moving. It is like birds wings. I do not think I ever listened to birds before I was a doll. They sing. And talk birdtalk, and their wings make a noise too. I am happy being a doll.

Owner comes back and tests the water. It is perfect. I know I could sit in Ice water, or boiling water, but Owner always makes it perfect. I am happy. He holds me by the very tips of my fingers and I step into the water. Owner does not wash me, but tells me to close my eyes and wash my face. I do so. When I am done, Owner is beside the bath. The towels I had been wrapped in have been put into the bin. Owner looks happier now and I smile. I am pushed under the water. My ears fill with water, and the sound is like wind. I remember being born.

I was born in the livingroom of Owners home. I have seen a video made of this. This Doll likes seeing this video and has seen it many times, but not all of it. As Owner and his friend showed me the video, I saw flashes of a girl being cut and injected. And screaming. It made me feel cold. I asked Owner if the girl was happy. Owner said that she no longer existed, but that he thought she was very happy. I did not understand this.

They stopped the tape to show me me. A doll hung by her hands in a metal triangle, like 3 little ladders tied together. Her feet were tied to the opposite corners, and her body was covered in pins. It shook with tiny shocks. Owners friend said this was to keep muscles working. There were tubes in her body. Owners friend, who was called Doctor Winston, was excited. He pointed to the screen and showed which tubes put in new food, and which ones took old food away, and which ones were making the skin white and which ones were making the mind supple. The dolls head was wrapped in wires and devices and her eyes and ears were covered. The video showed Owner and the Doctor taking out each needle. They were very long, and some of them left blood on the skin when they came out. The doctor wiped the marks with white cloth, turning it crimson. Doll feels hollow watching this bit, but sits still, because she knows what is coming. Next, tubes are removed. All but the thick one in the dolls mouth. The Doctor rolls them carefully and puts them into a big black bag, whilst owner strokes the doll. He is excited.

When the Doctor has finished, Doctor and Owner take the machines off. The ear ones are large, and when they come off you can hear a roar like a wall of noise. Doctor calls this White noise. The eye one is flashing with lights, and underneath, the dolls eyes are open, but they are not seeing. The Doctor also wraps up the cables and places the machines in his bag. Owner is staring into the dolls eyes and stroking it’s face. This makes me happy, but I still watch because I like the next bit even more.

Owner unbuckles the dolls feet and stands up, holding the doll in his arms. The Doctor undoes the last few buckles and the dolls hands fall free. The doll has nothing now, except a long tube from her mouth and Owners arms.

The Doctor moves out of the screen, and the camera moves. Owner tells me that the Doctor is carrying the camera. Owner is carrying the doll to the bathroom. The bath is full, and I know that the water is perfect. I remember this.

Owner puts the doll into the water, and she curls into a ball under the water. The water starts to turn pink, and little spirals of red lift from the dolls body. I grip Owners knees very tightly. I know what will happen but I am very excited. On the screen, Owner looks scared, and keeps looking to the camera, to the doll. The tube goes into a tight line. Doctor tells me he is now holding the end of the tube and the camera. The tube comes out of the bath tub. The Doctor always says he forgets how long the tube was, and how surprised he is that it was so deep in the doll. He has seen this video so many times I think he may be saying this to try and scare me. But I am not scared. I am watching the video.

There is a second after the tube is pulled out that nothing happens. Owner falls to his knees and stares into the bath, but then there is a noise. It sounds like a machine at first. A very long way away, but then the water begins to move and splash and the doll drags herself out of the water. Her eyes are wide open and her mouth is wide open and water streams from it. Her hair is plastered down to her face. She throws herself forwards and grips Owner and holds him and holds him and holds him and will never ever let go. And Owner holds her and he is happy and so happy he cries. I cry too. Because I am happy. A doll is happy when her Owner is happy. This I know.

Now, I am in the water again, and the water is perfect. Owner is caring for me. And even though I could have hung up his jacket and taken off his shoes and thrown the towels away, Owner is doing this because he wants to fix his doll.

Owner covers me in soap and scrubs hard, but never roughly, it makes my skin tingle and feel new again. Owner washes my hair, and my hands. and between my legs. He cleans there very carefully, but very thoroughly. I am a doll and my role is to please my owner, but Owner takes pleasure in maintaining me. I know this and so I am happy that I am being cleaned this way.

The water flows away, and the sound of the last water reminds me of the first time. Though this time I do not fall over when he lifts me from the bath. Owner pats my skin dry with a fresh towel, and ruffles my hair to take the water out. I know that he will brush it and dress me later, and I will be happy.

In the living room there are piles of paper money. I know it is very much. Owner tells me that this is all going to help the people who are left behind after the earthquake. And that he is very proud of me. I know that I have done very little, but I smile and am happy. I know that Owner has done more and that he has let others use me to get this money. I know I am very precious to him and that this is because He has so much love. I am my Owners and will be forever..

 

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12.09.08